Swimming (part 2)

Finding my Feet

“Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from Him. Truly He is my Rock and my Salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honour depend on God; He is my mighty Rock, my Refuge. Trust in Him at all times, pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our Refuge.” {Psalms 62:5-8}

How is it possible that a period of rest can be so stressful? I realised that most of who I believed I was, was based on what I did, and I did not much at the moment. I worked as a receptionist (which is not exactly high ambition/great carrier kind of work) and most of the time had to answer the question ‘so what are you gonna do now?’ or ‘how long do you plan to stay’ and ‘what are your goals’. Not bad questions, I just didn’t have an answer on any of them and I tried to answer it with ‘I don’t know (with a smile on my face, as if I was ok with that)’. And so to avoid the questions and because I was convinced people saw me as a failure anyway, I started to isolate myself. My room became my world.

But during the resting I learned to listen to God whispering into my soul. He would say ‘I LOVE YOU’, ‘YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE’ and ‘TRUST ME’, ‘JUST BE IN MY PRESENCE’. And through these whispers I discovered it was His love that i was longing for, not His approval. That I could never earn His approval, but I tried so hard. This was the great, warm and fuzzy part of the journey, they other side was a bit uglier. When God started pointing out the lies and spasms in my head. I had to stop blame people for where I was in life and face head first that it all came back to what happened in my head. It wasn’t working in ministry that got me almost burned out and it wasn’t the pressure of College that tipped me over. It was the constant feeling of not being good enough that kept me striving for approval, from God but also from people. Suddenly there was no-one to blame for my failure than myself and the only solution was to let God do some ‘heart-work’ on me.

Bit by bit I saw my part in it all and it made me realise that there was nothing I could do to fix it. I tried that path and it had me nearly drowned. It was when I came to this point God showed me His way, the way of Grace. The undeserved favour that He wanted to give me, because His Son died just for that! I began to understand how much I need His Grace and how much He loves me, unconditionally, just where I was at, right now.

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